Tuesday, August 26, 2003
The most upsetting part of my day…
Good Morning Joe,
This email has been long overdue, but after seeing you on Friday and thinking about our situation a bit more in depth, I concluded that I had to finally be completely honest with you on how I had felt and how I am feeling now.
From the day we met, I have felt an incredible connection with you. As you know, I very seldom open myself up to anyone, but with you it seemed easy. I enjoyed spending time with you and looked past and at times ignored your situation with Paul. In retrospect, that was a huge mistake on my part because all it did was confuse you and I even more. I never wanted to listen to what you had to say about where you stood on Paul because always in the back of my mind I figured you would break up with him and we would end up dating and it would all fall into place.
I underestimated the extent of your relationship with him, even though, in fairness to you, you tried to tell me in the most delicate of ways. But all I heard and listened to was how much you two were not getting along. All I saw were the little notes you would leave all around my apartment. All I heard were the optimistic things you would say about you and I, the hope that you displayed about having some sort of future with me. All the times we were with one another further made me feel like there was an honest chance that we would end up together. Sex was never as intense, it seemed like there was no one else in the entire world when I held you. No one. Yes, Joe, I fell in love with you.
But now, I need to look out for myself. I need some serious time away from you. I know that I said I was ready to be your friend, but I am not. I can not afford to invest anymore time into something that has caused so much confusion and heartache for me. I need for my heart to heal. And during that time, I can’t see you or talk with you or be in touch with you. Because if you were part of my life, even in a small way, I would always think of what could be. I would always think of having the chance to introduce you to people as my boy.
I don’t know when I will be ready to see or speak to you again, only God knows. I do this because it is the fair thing for both of us. I don’t want you to always be cautious around me, I do not always want to be thinking that there is a chance of something, because there is not. You and I are too far apart in this period of time in our lives. If God deems for us to meet again, than it will happen and I have all the faith in him to guide our lives in the best of ways.
But, I have to say goodbye for now. I do this because this is the best thing for us both. I have to walk away from this and go on with my life without you. But mainly, I do this because I love you, with every fiber of my being.
I will always keep you in my prayers along with your brother and loved ones.
Amahd
While I completely understand where Ahmad is coming from and while I know that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, it still sucks that no matter WHAT I do, I can’t secure any gay male friends. Without sounding like an ego driven asshole, this type of thing happens to me all the time. I don’t always hook up with my potential gay male friends, but regardless, they either hate me or love me too much to be my friend. Fuck. Well, such is life.
I have to let Ahmad live his…however he feels most comfortable.
Good Morning Joe,
This email has been long overdue, but after seeing you on Friday and thinking about our situation a bit more in depth, I concluded that I had to finally be completely honest with you on how I had felt and how I am feeling now.
From the day we met, I have felt an incredible connection with you. As you know, I very seldom open myself up to anyone, but with you it seemed easy. I enjoyed spending time with you and looked past and at times ignored your situation with Paul. In retrospect, that was a huge mistake on my part because all it did was confuse you and I even more. I never wanted to listen to what you had to say about where you stood on Paul because always in the back of my mind I figured you would break up with him and we would end up dating and it would all fall into place.
I underestimated the extent of your relationship with him, even though, in fairness to you, you tried to tell me in the most delicate of ways. But all I heard and listened to was how much you two were not getting along. All I saw were the little notes you would leave all around my apartment. All I heard were the optimistic things you would say about you and I, the hope that you displayed about having some sort of future with me. All the times we were with one another further made me feel like there was an honest chance that we would end up together. Sex was never as intense, it seemed like there was no one else in the entire world when I held you. No one. Yes, Joe, I fell in love with you.
But now, I need to look out for myself. I need some serious time away from you. I know that I said I was ready to be your friend, but I am not. I can not afford to invest anymore time into something that has caused so much confusion and heartache for me. I need for my heart to heal. And during that time, I can’t see you or talk with you or be in touch with you. Because if you were part of my life, even in a small way, I would always think of what could be. I would always think of having the chance to introduce you to people as my boy.
I don’t know when I will be ready to see or speak to you again, only God knows. I do this because it is the fair thing for both of us. I don’t want you to always be cautious around me, I do not always want to be thinking that there is a chance of something, because there is not. You and I are too far apart in this period of time in our lives. If God deems for us to meet again, than it will happen and I have all the faith in him to guide our lives in the best of ways.
But, I have to say goodbye for now. I do this because this is the best thing for us both. I have to walk away from this and go on with my life without you. But mainly, I do this because I love you, with every fiber of my being.
I will always keep you in my prayers along with your brother and loved ones.
Amahd
While I completely understand where Ahmad is coming from and while I know that he needs to do what he needs to do for himself, it still sucks that no matter WHAT I do, I can’t secure any gay male friends. Without sounding like an ego driven asshole, this type of thing happens to me all the time. I don’t always hook up with my potential gay male friends, but regardless, they either hate me or love me too much to be my friend. Fuck. Well, such is life.
I have to let Ahmad live his…however he feels most comfortable.
